While many kids are lucky enough to become the best of friends with their siblings,
it's common for brothers and sisters to fight. (It's also common for them to swing
back and forth between adoring and detesting one other!)
Often, sibling rivalry starts even before the second child is born, and continues
as the kids grow and compete for everything from toys to attention. As kids reach
different stages of development, their evolving needs can significantly affect how
they relate to one another.
It can be frustrating and upsetting to watch — and hear — your kids
fight with one another. A household that's full of conflict is stressful for everyone.
Yet often it's hard to know how to stop the fighting, and or even whether you should
get involved at all. But you can take steps to promote peace in your household and
help your kids get along.
Why Kids Fight
Many different things can cause siblings to fight. Most brothers and sisters experience
some degree of jealousy or competition, and this can flare into squabbles and bickering.
But other factors also might influence how often kids fight and how severe the fighting
gets. These include:
Evolving needs. It's natural for kids' changing needs, anxieties,
and identities to affect how they relate to one another. For example, toddlers are
naturally protective of their toys and belongings, and are learning to assert their
will, which they'll do at every turn. So if a baby brother or sister picks up the
toddler's toy, the older child may react aggressively. School-age kids often have
a strong concept of fairness and equality, so might not understand why siblings of
other ages are treated differently or feel like one child gets preferential treatment.
Teenagers, on the other hand, are developing a sense of individuality and independence,
and might resent helping with household responsibilities, taking care of younger siblings,
or even having to spend time together. All of these differences can influence the
way kids fight with one another.
Individual temperaments. Your kids' individual temperaments —
including mood, disposition, and adaptability — and their unique personalities
play a large role in how well they get along. For example, if one child is laid back
and another is easily rattled, they may often get into it. Similarly, a child who
is especially clingy and drawn to parents for comfort and love might be resented by
siblings who see this and want the same amount of attention.
Special needs/sick kids. Sometimes, a child's special needs due
to illness or learning/emotional issues may require more parental time. Other kids
may pick up on this disparity and act out to get attention or out of fear of what's
happening to the other child.
Role models. The way that parents resolve problems and disagreements
sets a strong example for kids. So if you and your spouse work through conflicts in
a way that's respectful, productive, and not aggressive, you increase the chances
that your children will adopt those tactics when they run into problems with one another.
If your kids see you routinely shout, slam doors, and loudly argue when you have problems,
they're likely to pick up those bad habits themselves.
What to Do When the Fighting Starts
While it may be common for brothers and sisters to fight, it's certainly not pleasant
for anyone in the house. And a family can only tolerate a certain amount of conflict.
So what should you do when the fighting starts?
Whenever possible, don'tget involved. Step in
only if there's a danger of physical harm. If you always intervene, you risk creating
other problems. The kids may start expecting your help and wait for you to come to
the rescue rather than learning to work out the problems on their own. There's also
the risk that you — inadvertently — make it appear to one child that another
is always being "protected," which could foster even more resentment. By the same
token, rescued kids may feel that they can get away with more because they're always
being "saved" by a parent.
If you're concerned by the language used or name-calling, it's appropriate to "coach"
kids through what they're feeling by using appropriate words. This is different from
intervening or stepping in and separating the kids.
Even then, encourage them to resolve the crisis themselves. If you do step in,
try to resolve problems with your kids, not for them.
When getting involved, here are some steps to consider:
Separate kids until they're calm. Sometimes it's best just to give them space
for a little while and not immediately rehash the conflict. Otherwise, the fight can
escalate again. If you want to make this a learning experience, wait until the emotions
have died down.
Don't put too much focus on figuring out which child is to blame. It takes two
to fight — anyone who is involved is partly responsible.
Next, try to set up a "win-win" situation so that each child gains something.
When they both want the same toy, perhaps there's a game they could play together
Remember, as kids cope with disputes, they also learn important skills that will
serve them for life — like how to value another person's perspective, how to
compromise and negotiate, and how to control aggressive impulses.
Helping Kids Get Along
Simple things you can do every day to prevent fighting include:
Set ground rules for acceptable behavior. Tell the kids to keep their hands to
themselves and that there's no cursing, no name-calling, no yelling, no door slamming.
Solicit their input on the rules — as well as the consequences when they break
them. This teaches kids that they're responsible for their own actions, regardless
of the situation or how provoked they felt, and discourages any attempts to negotiate
regarding who was "right" or "wrong."
Don't let kids make you think that everything always has to be "fair" and "equal"
— sometimes one kid needs more than the other.
Be proactive in giving your kids one-on-one attention directed to their interests
and needs. For example, if one likes to go outdoors, take a walk or go to the park.
If another child likes to sit and read, make time for that too.
Make sure kids have their own space and time to do their own thing — to
play with toys by themselves, to play with friends without a sibling tagging along,
or to enjoy activities without having to share 50-50.
Show and tell your kids that, for you, love is not something that comes with limits.
Let them know that they are safe, important, and loved, and that their needs will
Have fun together as a family. Whether you're watching a movie, throwing a ball,
or playing a board game, you're establishing a peaceful way for your kids to spend
time together and relate to each other. This can help ease tensions between them and
also keeps you involved. Since parental attention is something many kids fight over,
fun family activities can help reduce conflict.
If your children frequently squabble over the same things (such as video games
or dibs on the TV remote), post a schedule showing which child "owns" that item at
what times during the week. (But if they keep fighting about it, take the "prize"
If fights between your school-age kids are frequent, hold weekly family meetings
in which you repeat the rules about fighting and review past successes in reducing
conflicts. Consider establishing a program where the kids earn points toward a fun
family-oriented activity when they work together to stop battling.
Recognize when kids just need time apart from each other and the family dynamics.
Try arranging separate play dates or activities for each kid occasionally. And when
one child is on a play date, you can spend one-on-one time with another.
Keep in mind that sometimes kids fight to get a parent's attention. In that case,
consider taking a time-out of your own. When you leave, the incentive for fighting
is gone. Also, when your own fuse is getting short, consider handing the reins over
to the other parent, whose patience may be greater at that moment.
Getting Professional Help
In a small percentage of families, the conflict between brothers and sisters is
so severe that it disrupts daily functioning, or particularly affects kids emotionally
or psychologically. In those cases, it's wise to get help from a mental health professional.
Seek help for sibling conflict if it:
is so severe that it's leading to marital problems
creates a real danger of physical harm to any family member
is damaging to the self-esteem or psychological well-being of any family member
may be related to other significant concerns, such as depression
If you have questions about your kids' fighting, talk with your doctor, who can
help you determine whether your family might benefit from professional help and refer
you to local behavioral health resources.