How Parents Can Build Self-Esteem
Every child is different. Self-esteem may come easier to some kids than others.
And some kids face things that can lower their self-esteem. But even if a child's
self-esteem is low, it can be raised.
Here are things parents can do to help kids feel good about themselves:
Help your child learn to do things. At every age, there are new
things for kids to learn. Even during babyhood, learning to hold a cup or take first
steps sparks a sense of mastery and delight. As your child grows, things like learning
to dress, read, or ride a bike are chances for self-esteem to grow.
When teaching kids how to do things, show and help them at first.
Then let them do what they can, even if they make mistakes. Be sure your child gets
a chance to learn, try, and feel proud. Don't make new challenges too easy —
or too hard.
Praise your child, but do it wisely. Of course, it's good to praise
kids. Your praise is a way to show that you're proud. But some ways of praising kids
can actually backfire.
Here's how to do it right:
- Don't overpraise. Praise that doesn't feel earned doesn't ring
true. For example, telling a child he played a great game when he knows he didn't
feels hollow and fake. It's better to say, "I know that wasn't your best game, but
we all have off days. I'm proud of you for not giving up." Add a vote of confidence:
"Tomorrow, you'll be back on your game."
- Praise effort. Avoid focusing praise only on results (such as
getting an A) or fixed qualities (such as being smart or athletic).
Instead,
offer most of your praise for effort, progress, and attitude. For example: "You're
working hard on that project," "You're getting better and better at these spelling
tests," or, "I'm proud of you for practicing piano — you've really stuck with
it." With this kind of praise, kids put effort into things, work toward goals, and
try. When kids do that, they're more likely to succeed.
Be a good role model. When you put effort into everyday tasks
(like raking the leaves, making a meal, cleaning up the dishes, or washing the car),
you're setting a good example. Your child learns to put effort into doing homework,
cleaning up toys, or making the bed.
Modeling the right attitude counts too. When you do tasks cheerfully (or at least
without grumbling or complaining), you teach your child to do the same. When you avoid
rushing through chores and take pride in a job well done, you teach your child to
do that too.
Ban harsh criticism. The messages kids hear about themselves from
others easily translate into how they feel about themselves. Harsh words ("You're
so lazy!") are harmful, not motivating. When kids hear negative messages about themselves,
it harms their self-esteem. Correct kids with patience. Focus on what you want them
to do next time. When needed, show them how.
Focus on strengths. Pay attention to what your child does well
and enjoys. Make sure your child has chances to develop these strengths. Focus more
on strengths than weaknesses if you want to help kids feel good about themselves.
This improves behavior too.
Let kids help and give. Self-esteem grows when kids get to see
that what they do matters to others. Kids can help out at home, do a service project
at school, or do a favor for a sibling. Helping and kind acts build self-esteem and
other good feelings.