Facing the Realities
So what can you do to adjust to the daily realities of living with a stepparent?
Instead of worrying about the "what ifs" and the inevitable changes, talk to your
mom or dad about what to expect before your new stepparent joins the family. That
way, you can be prepared for what lies ahead.
For example:
- Figure out ahead of time what
to call your stepparent.
- Ask about stepsiblings and things
like if you have to share a room now.
- Ask about holiday plans and
who's giving presents to whom.
- If your house is about to explode
with new people, find out how this affects you and that spare room where you listen
to music.
Don't be afraid to ask questions as they come to mind. Your parents and new stepparent
might not have thought about the things you're asking either, so there's an opportunity
to explore options together. And if there's something you absolutely don't want to
change, try to negotiate. For example, if you and your dad always go fishing over
Thanksgiving but your mom made plans for you to spend the holiday with her new husband's
family, she might not realize how important the fishing trip is to you.
Handling Disagreements
What about those times when you flat out disagree with a stepparent? You'll have
a better chance of getting what you want if you disagree
without disrespect.
Explain your feelings calmly and rationally. For example, if you have a new half-brother
or -sister and you feel like you're constantly being expected to babysit at the last
minute, talk it over with your stepparent before the situation gets to the stage where
you feel taken advantage of. Present your side — maybe you have to study for
a test or you already made plans with friends and they're relying on you. Then listen
to the other person's perspective. Include your parent in the discussion, too.
If you're particularly mad about something, it can feel hard not to lose control.
But managing your anger and taking extra care to choose respectful language will help
your stepparent see you for the mature person you are, not as a child.
Find a way to get to know the new stepparent in your life. Suggest a bike ride
or go to a movie together. It may not be easy, but you can use the same relationship
and communication skills you would use to make anyone feel welcome. It may help to
remember that your stepparent is walking into a new situation, too. He or she could
feel just as nervous and confused as you do.
Expect some rough spots. You know that establishing a good relationship takes time.
Your new life won't always be smooth, so be ready to make some compromises. The good
thing is, the ups and downs of adjusting to a new family situation can offer some
really great life lessons. Many people look back on their experiences getting to know
new family members and realize they learned some great relationship (and negotiating!)
skills in the process.
Remind yourself that every situation is different. There's no real script for a
new family that's being pulled together from all sorts of directions. Be open to lots
of possibilities. And savor the good moments. Although change is often difficult,
it can be good, too.
Date reviewed: September 2016