At What Age Do Kids "Know"?
Knowing one's sexual orientation — whether straight or gay — is often
something that kids or teens recognize with little doubt from a very young age. Some
gay teens say they had same-sex crushes in childhood, just as their heterosexual peers
had opposite-sex crushes.
By middle school, as they enter adolescence, many gay teens already recognize their
sexual orientation, whether or not they have revealed it to anyone else. Those who
didn't realize they were gay at first often say that they always felt different from
their peers, but didn't exactly know why.
Becoming aware of — and coming to terms with — one's sexual orientation
can take some time. Thinking sexually about both the same sex and the opposite sex
is quite common as teens sort through their emerging sexual feelings.
Some teens may experiment with sexual experiences, including those with members
of the same sex, as they explore their own sexuality. But these experiences, by themselves,
do not necessarily mean that a teen is gay or straight. For many teens, these experiences
are simply part of the process of sorting through their emerging sexuality. And despite
gender stereotypes, masculine and feminine traits do not necessarily predict whether
someone is straight or gay.
Once aware, some gay teens may be quite comfortable and accept their sexuality,
while others might find it confusing or difficult to accept.
How Gay Teens Might Feel
Like their straight peers, gay teens may stress about school, grades, college,
sports, activities, friends, and fitting in. But in addition, gay and lesbian teens
often deal with an extra layer of stress — like whether they have to hide who
they are, whether they will be harassed about being gay, or whether they will face
stereotypes or judgments if they are honest about who they are.
They often feel different from their friends when the heterosexual people around
them start talking about romantic feelings, dating, and sex. For them, it can feel
like everyone is expected to be straight. They may feel like they have to pretend
to feel things that they don't in order to fit in. They might feel they need to deny
who they are or hide an important part of themselves.
Many gay teens worry about whether they will be accepted or rejected by their loved
ones, or whether people will feel upset, angry, or disappointed in them. These fears
of prejudice, discrimination, rejection, or violence, can lead some teens who aren't
straight to keep their sexual orientation secret, even from friends and family who
might be supportive.
It can take time for gay teens to process how they feel and to accept this aspect
of their own identity before they reveal their sexual orientation to others. Many
decide to tell a few accepting, supportive friends and family members about their
sexual orientation. This is called coming out.
For most people, coming out takes courage. In some situations, teens who are openly
gay may risk facing more harassment than those who haven't revealed their sexual orientation.
But many lesbian, gay, and bisexual teens who come out to their friends and families
are fully accepted by them and their communities. They feel comfortable and secure
about being attracted to people of the same gender. In a recent survey, teens who
had come out reported feeling happier and less stressed than those who hadn't.