What Is Assertiveness?
Assertiveness is a healthy way of communicating. It's the ability to speak
up for ourselves in a way that is honest and respectful. Every day, we're
in situations where being assertive can help us — like asking someone on a date,
approaching a teacher with a question, or doing well on a job or college interview.
Being assertive doesn't come naturally to everyone. Some people communicate
in a way that is too passive. Other people have a style that is too aggressive.
An assertive style is the happy medium between these two.
Here's what it means to be assertive:
- You can give an opinion or say how you feel.
- You can ask for what you want or need.
- You can disagree respectfully.
- You can offer your ideas and suggestions.
- You can say no without feeling guilty.
- You can speak up for someone else.
Why Does It Matter?
An assertive communication style can help us do the things we want to do.
But it goes further than that: Being assertive shows we respect ourselves
and other people.
People who speak assertively send the message that they believe in themselves.
They're not too timid and they're not too pushy. They know that their feelings and
ideas matter. They're confident.
People who are assertive tend to make friends more easily. They communicate in
a way that respects other people's needs as well as their own. They tend to be better
at working out conflicts and disagreements. People who give respect get respect in
return.
Too Passive? Too Aggressive? Or Just Right?
How do you know where you fall on the assertiveness scale? Here are some examples:
Paula has a style that's too passive. If you ask Paula what movie
she wants to see, she's most likely to say, "I don't know — what do you want
to see?" She usually lets others decide things, but later she regrets not saying what
she wanted. It bothers her that her friends do most of the talking. But when Paula
tries to break into the conversation, she speaks so softly that others talk over her
without realizing.
Janine has a style that's too aggressive. Janine has no trouble
speaking her mind. But when she does, she comes across as loud and opinionated. Janine
dominates the conversation, often interrupts, and rarely listens. If she disagrees
with you, she lets you know — usually with sarcasm or a putdown. She has a reputation
for being bossy and insensitive.
Ben has an assertive style. When you ask for Ben's opinion, he
gives it honestly. If he disagrees with you, he'll say so — but in a way that
doesn't put you down or make you feel wrong. Ben is interested in your opinion, too.
He listens to what you have to say. Even when Ben disagrees with you, you still feel
he respects your point of view.