All kids want and need their parents to protect and care for them. And all parents
want to be able to tell their kids that mommy and daddy will always be close by.
But a parent leaving for military service disrupts that comforting balance. Some
parents have to leave their families for long stretches of time. Some will be in harm's
way. And despite the pride our men and women in the armed services feel in serving
their country — and the knowledge that they are well trained to do so —
military families can't help but worry how their kids will manage in a parent's absence.
How kids handle separation and what they need from the adults who care for them
while a parent is away will vary somewhat. But kids will react, and the adults around
them need to be prepared. Parents can help smooth the transition before and after
deployment, and foster the resiliency kids need to cope well in between.
Before Deployment
There's no easy way to tell a child that a parent has to go away. Yet once a deployment
date is set, it's important to give kids some advance notice, especially if a parent's
deployment will involve big changes like a move or a new primary caregiver.
Here are some tips to consider:
Be honest. The words you use are important and can mean different
things depending on a child's age and maturity. So give kids the truth in terms they
can understand. For example, for young children, the concept of a long separation
is a lot harder to grasp than the fact that mommy won't be there to take them to school
in the mornings or that daddy won't be back until after Christmas. They often do better
with visual reminders, such as a calendar with dates checked off to mark the passage
of time. Older kids, on the other hand, especially those who watch the news, may react
with a greater sense of worry and fear. Reassure them that people in the military
are trained to do their jobs and every effort will be made to ensure safety.
It also helps to be honest about your own feelings. Communicating to your child
that you feel sad, worried, disappointed, or even mad lets your child know that his
or her feelings are normal and that it's safe to discuss them with you. It also opens
the door to a conversation about ways to cope with those tough feelings when they
come up.
Let kids know that they will be taken care of. Kids need to feel
protected in a parent's absence, so tell them who will be taking care of them during
the time away. Young children, especially, may have questions about their daily routine.
Be patient and consistent if they ask the same questions over and over. But if a child
seems stuck on a question, it's OK to focus on what's prompting it. For example, a
child who repeatedly asks who will take them to school even when she knows the answer,
may be trying to communicate her worry about the upcoming changes. Tell her that it's
OK to feel worried (and you feel that way too sometimes!), and that there are ways
to cope (such as doing a fun activity together, singing a favorite song, dancing or
being active, or drawing a picture).
Make a plan to stay connected. Let kids know that goodbyes are
hard for everyone — even grown-ups. Remind them that they'll be thought of and
loved while the parent is away, and talk about the people who will be there to help
them feel better when they're feeling sad. Invite your child to come up with ideas
to stay connected — from sending emails to promising to think about each other
at the same time every day.
Try not to overburden. Kids are very attuned to the feelings of
their parents. So be aware of any tension and anxiety they might be picking up on
at home. Also, don't tell your child to be the man or woman of the house while one
parent is away. Kids need to be kids, even in tough times. So instead, tell them you
know they'll do their best even though it might be hard.
Spend extra time together. In the days and weeks before departure,
many military parents feel pressure to get the house in order by tackling their overloaded
to-do lists. Though fixing leaky faucets and taking the car for a tune-up are important,
so is plenty of one-on-one time with each child. The photos, videos, and special mementos
of these times are what your family will hold on to until everyone is together again.