What Parents Can Do
You may not be able to prevent your kids from feeling frustrated, sad, or angry,
but you can provide the tools they need to cope with these emotions.
Notice out loud. Tell kids when you notice something they might
be feeling ("It seems like you might still feel mad about what happened at the playground").
This shouldn't sound like an accusation (as in: "OK, what happened now? Are you still
mad about that?") or make a child feel put on the spot. It's just a casual observation
that you're interested in hearing more about your child's concern.
Listen to your kids. Ask them to tell you what's wrong. Listen
attentively and calmly — with interest, patience, openness, and caring. Avoid
any urge to judge, blame, lecture, or tell your kids what they should have done instead.
The idea is to let a child's concerns (and feelings) be heard. Encourage your child
to tell the whole story by asking questions. Take your time, and let a child take
his or her time, too.
Comment briefly on the feelings you think your child was experiencing as
you listen. For example, you might say something like: "That must have been
upsetting" or "No wonder you felt mad when they wouldn't let you in the game." Doing
so shows that you understand what your child felt, why he or she felt that way, and
that you care. Feeling understood and listened to helps kids feel connected to you,
and that is especially important in times of stress.
Put a label on it. Many kids do not yet have words for their feelings.
If your child seems angry or frustrated, use those feeling words to help your child
learn to identify the emotions by name. That will help put feelings into words so
they can be expressed and communicated more easily, which helps kids develop emotional
awareness — the ability to recognize their own emotional states. Kids who can
recognize and identify emotions are less likely to reach the behavioral boiling point
where strong emotions get demonstrated through behaviors rather than communicated
with words.
Help kids think of things to do. Suggest activities kids can do
to feel better now and to solve the problem at hand. Encourage them to think of a
couple of ideas. You can get the brainstorm started if necessary, but don't do all
the work. A child's active participation will build confidence. Support good ideas
and add to them as needed. Ask, "How do you think this will work?" Sometimes talking
and listening and feeling understood is all that's needed to help kids' frustrations
melt away. Other times change the subject and move on to something more positive and
relaxing. Don't give the problem more attention than it deserves.
Just be there. Sometimes kids don't feel like talking about what's
bothering them. Try to respect that, give them space, and still make it clear that
you'll be there when they do feel like talking. Even when kids don't feel like talking,
they usually don't want parents to leave them alone. You can help them feel better
just by being there — to keep your child company and spend time together. So
if you notice your child seems to be down in the dumps, stressed, or having a bad
day — but doesn't feel like talking — initiate something you can do together.
Take a walk, watch a movie, shoot some hoops, or bake some cookies. Isn't it nice
to know that your presence really counts?
Be patient. It hurts to see your kids unhappy or worried. But
try to resist the urge to fix every problem. Instead, focus on helping them grow into
good problem-solvers — kids who know how to roll with life's ups and downs,
put feelings into words, calm down when needed, and bounce back to try again. Remember
that you can't fix everything, and that you won't be there to solve each problem as
your child goes through life. But by learning healthy coping strategies, kids can
manage stresses in the future.
About the Poll
The national KidsPoll surveyed 875 9- to 13-year-old boys and girls regarding how
they coped with stress. The KidsPoll is a collaboration of the Nemours Foundation/KidsHealth,
the Department of Health Education and Recreation at Southern Illinois University
— Carbondale, the National Association of Health Education Centers (NAHEC),
and participating health education centers throughout the United States. Those centers
include:
- Robert Crown Center for Health Education — Hinsdale, Illinois
- HealthWorks! Kids Museum — South Bend, Indiana
- Health World Children's Museum — Barrington, Illinois
- Ruth Lilly Health Education Center — Indianapolis, Indiana
- Susan P. Byrnes Health Education Center — York, Pennsylvania
- Poe Center for Health Education — Raleigh, North Carolina