Parenting Multiples

Every book on parenting will tell you that life forever changes after the birth of a child. So parents of twins (or triplets or more!) can feel as if they've left the hospital and arrived home on a different planet.

The arrival of multiple newborns can bring medical, logistical, financial, and emotional challenges for a family. But with more and more families having twins, triplets, quadruplets, and more also means an increase in resources to help them.

Often, parents who are expecting multiples find that other families who've been through the it are a great help.

What Changes Can I Expect With Multiples?

Some of the differences in lifestyle that multiple births bring are easy to prepare for. Standards for household neatness will likely have to relax for a few years, unless you can afford to hire a house-cleaning service. You'll get a lot less sleep, as multiple babies mean frequent feeding and care at night.

Costs also can be high. Those that come with newborns — for diapers, clothes, food and medicine, high chairs, toys, car seats, etc. — will be higher. Even the cost of health care for the delivery of twins is more than with a single birth. Add to this the cost of expanded living space, a larger vehicle, and possibly part-time help in the home. One partner may even need to give up an income to stay home and take care of the babies.

Also, kids born as part of higher-order births (triplets or more) have a higher rate of disability, especially if they're born prematurely. So there's the possibility of having to manage the costs associated with caring for a child with special needs.

Some stores give discounts for families with multiples, but large-scale donations of formula and diapers from major manufacturers are much less common than they once were. At the same time, family and friends with babies, social service agencies, nonprofit groups, and support groups can be good sources of hand-me-downs and can help you meet the needs of your babies.

Some changes may come as more of a surprise. Having less time for each individual baby can make you feel guilty or sad. These emotions can become even more complex if you already have other children. Any stress and tiredness associated with caring for your kids can sometimes have an effect on your relationship with your partner.

Yet despite all of the challenges, multiples also bring great rewards. You'll love several babies at once and marvel at the relationship between them, which is a very special one. And there's a fascination surrounding multiples that is hard to deny.

Where Can Parents Get Help?

When caring for multiple babies, it's important to get extra help. Some families hire help, some rely on volunteered time from friends and family, neighbors, fellow parishioners, or support groups for parents of multiples.

Before your babies are born, think about the levels, sources, and types of help that would feel the most comfortable for you and your family.

Volunteers could bring food, bathe babies, shop, clean, or babysit while you nap or get out of the house. They can even run errands for you. But also consider how comfortable you'll feel having other caretakers in the house.

Even though there's no one right way to raise your multiples, it might help to see what other parents have done. Look for a support group for parents of multiples in your town.

When you're setting up your network of volunteers, keep in mind the health of your newborns. Infants born prematurely can be particularly vulnerable to infections, including respiratory syncytial virus (RSV), a flu-like illness that can be highly contagious and cause serious health problems.

Make sure everyone who helps around the house washes their hands well and often. It's also important that those caregivers know about any medical problems the infants have.

Multiple Baby-Care Basics

Feeding will take up a large chunk of each day. Multiples can be either breast- or bottle-fed successfully and each approach has its fans.

Breastfeeding offers nutritional and immunological benefits and is easier on the pocketbook. It works because the lactating breast functions according to the laws of supply and demand. The more a baby nurses, the more milk the mother's body produces.

It's possible to nurse two babies at the same time, but it may take some time to master. So if you choose to breastfeed, consider talking with a lactation consultant, who can show you basic positions to help you nurse your babies either two at a time or singly. It may also be helpful to pump and store breast milk so that your partner or other caregivers can help with the feedings.

Bottle-feeding may take some of the pressure off exhausted mothers, especially if you have more than two infants to feed. Some mothers use a combination of breast- and bottle-feeding to keep some of the benefits of nursing while still getting help with feedings.  Whatever way you choose to feed your babies, you may want to keep track of the feeding schedule.

• Bathing multiple babies can be quite a challenge. Some parents bathe their children separately in the interests of both safety and one-on-one time. If you have triplets or more, though, this may be impractical. Your best bet is to get some help during bathtime. When the infants are older, it will become easier to bathe more than one at a time.
• Dressing your babies in the first few months doesn't have to be a big production. Some parents color-code wardrobes to see at a glance whose clothes belong to whom. It may make sense to have multiples share some basic items of clothing, such as sleepers. As the babies get older, it becomes more important to give them their own clothes and establish their unique identities.
• Sleeping is necessary for your sanity! Call on your helpers so you can get an occasional nap. Even if you get your babies on a synchronized sleep schedule, you might get only a few hours of sleep at a time.

Many parents alternate "night shift" feedings and take turns napping. You might also consider waking and feeding all the babies when one wakes up in the night. This helps you coordinate your babies' schedule and minimize your wake-ups.

Try to sleep when your babies do. Though it can be hard to let go of the thousand other things you need to do, remember that your well-being is key to your ability to take care of your babies.

What Problems Can Happen?

It may be hard to tell multiple babies apart when they first come home. Many parents leave the hospital bracelets on or get new ones. Others paint each child's big toenail a different color or color-code their clothes. As your babies mature and their personalities develop, it will be easier to tell the difference between them.

Parents often worry about making sure their multiples develop as individuals. Here are some ways to support each child's individuality:

• refer to them by name, rather than as "the twins" or "the triplets"
• avoid dressing them alike as they get older
• keep their clothes in different drawers
• give them their own toys
• give them separate gifts and cakes on their birthday
• encourage them to pursue different interests and abilities as they get older
• give them time apart

Try to avoid comparisons, especially when it comes to important milestones such as walking, first words, or potty training. If one child lags in a developmental area, consult your doctor to determine the standard age range for that skill.

If you have older kids in addition to the multiples, it's important to attend to their needs and any difficulty they may have related to their siblings. Older siblings can feel envious of the attention that the new babies get and start to act out. Set aside time to spend individually with older siblings.

Don't forget that you need to be taken care of too. Feeling stressed and overwhelmed is completely normal. Be sure to find time for sleep, have some time alone, and to pursue your own interests.

Mothers of multiples are more likely than other mothers to suffer from "baby blues" and postpartum depression. Baby blues may leave you feeling weepy, easily upset, or excessively worried. These feelings may last for a couple of days, and should improve after 1 or 2 weeks.

In postpartum depression, these symptoms are more severe and last longer. A mother may feel sad, anxious, or irritable. She may lose her appetite and have difficulty sleeping. She may lose interest in her baby, or have thoughts of harming herself or the babies. If you have any of these symptoms, get a doctor's help immediately.

Keeping the Focus on Your Relationship

Not surprisingly, the demands placed on parents of multiples strain the best of relationships. With all your energy directed toward your babies, there's often little left over for each other — yet this is just when you need each other most.

Try to give each other breaks when you can and to ask what your partner needs each day. It can be very helpful to have an outlet for expressing your feelings. Support groups for parents of multiples can help, as can marriage counselors or clergy.

Do what you can to keep some couple time. Find what you're  comfortable with, and remember that spending time alone together is more a necessity than a luxury.

Parenting multiples has its challenges, but the rewards are twice (or more!) as great.