For many people, the divorce of their parents marks a turning point in their lives, whether the divorce happened many years ago or is taking place right now. About half the marriages in the United States today end in divorce, so children of divorce are certainly not alone. It may seem hard, but it is possible to cope with divorce — and have a happy family life in spite of some changes divorce may bring. After all, couples divorce one another, not their children.
Why Are My Parents Divorcing?
Parents divorce for many reasons. They may include serious problems like alcoholism or abuse, but often couples divorce because they can no longer live together in harmony. One parent may have changed in some ways, and the other could not adapt. Some couples may have simply drifted apart over time. Others find that they no longer love each other as they once did.
It's common for young people to think that their parents' divorce is somehow their fault, but nothing could be further from the truth. Some may wonder if they could have helped to prevent the split. Others may wish they had prevented arguments by cooperating more within the family, doing better with their behavior, or getting better grades. But separation and divorce are a result of a couple's problems with each other, not with their kids. The decisions parents make about divorce are their own.
If your parents are divorcing, you may experience a lots of feelings. Your emotions may change frequently, too. You may feel angry, frustrated, upset, or sad. You might feel protective of one parent or blame one for the situation. You may feel abandoned, afraid, worried, or guilty. You may also feel relieved, especially if there has been a lot of tension at home. These feelings are normal and talking about them with a friend or family member can really help.
How Will Divorce Change My Life?
There's a good chance that your parents' divorce will affect your life. Depending on your particular situation, you may have to adjust to several changes. These could include things like moving to a new home, splitting school breaks between your parents, and dealing with your parents' unpleasant feelings toward one another.
Money matters may change for your parents, too. A parent who didn't work during the marriage may need to find a job to pay for rent or a mortgage. This might be something a parent is excited about, but he or she may also feel nervous or pressured about finances. There are also expenses associated with divorce, from lawyers' fees to the cost of moving to a new place to live.
Your family may not be able to afford all the things you were used to before the divorce. This is one of the difficult changes often associated with divorce. There can be good changes too — but how you cope with the stressful changes depends on your situation, your personality, and your support network.
What You and Your Parents Can Do to Make Divorce Easier
Keep the peace. Dealing with divorce is easiest when parents get along. People find it especially hard when their parents fight and argue or act with bitterness toward each other. You can't do much to influence how your parents behave during a divorce, but you can ask them to do their best to call a truce to any bickering or unkind things they might be saying about each other. No matter what problems a couple may have faced, as parents they need to handle domestic arrangements peacefully to minimize the stress the rest of their family may feel.
Be fair. Most people say it's important that parents don't try to get them to "take sides." You need to feel free to relate to one parent without the other parent acting jealous, hurt, or mad. It's unfair for you to feel that relating to one parent is being disloyal to the other or that the burden of one parent's happiness is on your shoulders.
When parents find it hard to let go of bitterness or anger, or if they are depressed about the changes brought on by divorce, they can find help from a counselor or therapist. This can help parents get past the pain divorce may have created, to find personal happiness, and to lift any burdens from their kids. Their kids can also benefit from seeing a family therapist or someone who specializes in helping them get through the stress of a family breakup.
Keep in touch. Your parents probably haven't seen as much of you since you started college. And now, going back and forth between two homes can make that even tougher, especially if parents live far apart. Try to keep in touch with a parent you see less often because of distance. Even a quick email just to say "I'm thinking of you" helps ease the feelings of missing each other. Making an effort to stay in touch when you're apart can keep both of you up to date on everyday activities and ideas.
Work it out. You may want both parents to come to special events, like games, plays, or banquets. But one parent may find it difficult to attend if the other is present. It helps if parents can figure out a way to make this work, especially because you may need the support and presence of both parents even more during divorce. You might be able to come up with an idea for a compromise or solution to this problem and suggest it to both parents.
Talk about the future. Lots of people whose parents divorce worry that their own plans for the future could be affected. Some are concerned that the costs of divorce (like legal fees and expenses of two households) might mean there will be less money for tuition payments or other things.
Pick a good time to tell your parents about your concerns — when there's enough time to sit down with one or both of them to discuss how the divorce will affect you. Don't worry about putting added stress on your parents. It's better to bring your concerns into the open than to keep them to yourself and let worries or resentment build. There are solutions for most problems and counselors and financial aid officers who can help find them.
Live your life. Sometimes during a divorce, parents may be so caught up in their own changes it can feel like your own life is on hold. In addition to staying focused on your own plans and dreams, make sure you participate in as many of your normal activities as possible. When things are changing at home, it can really help to keep some things, such as extracurriculars and friends, the same. Take care of yourself, too, by eating right and getting regular exercise — two great stress busters!
Let others support you. Talk about your feelings and reactions to the divorce with someone you trust. If you're feeling down or upset, let your friends and family members support you. These feelings usually pass. If they don't, and if you're feeling depressed or stressed out, or if it's hard to concentrate on your normal activities, let a counselor or therapist help you. There are therapists who specialize in working with young people on problems like divorce — check to see if your student health center offers counseling. If not, your parents, or a doctor or other health professional can help you find someone to talk to. Also, many communities and schools have support groups for people whose parents have divorced. It can really help to talk with other people your age who are going through similar experiences.
Bringing Out the Positive
There will be ups and downs in the process, but you can cope successfully with your parents' divorce and the changes it brings. You may even discover some unexpected positives. Many people find their parents are actually happier after the divorce or they may develop new and better ways of relating to both parents when they have separate time with each one.
Some people learn compassion and caring skills when a younger brother or sister needs their support and care. Siblings who are closer in age may form tighter bonds, learning to count on each other more because they're facing the challenges of their parents' divorce together. Coping well with divorce also can bring out strength and maturity. Some become more responsible, better problem solvers, better listeners, or better friends. Looking back on the experience, lots of people say that they learned coping skills they never knew they had and feel stronger and more resilient as a result of what they went through.
Many movies have been made about divorce and stepfamilies — some with happy endings, some not. That's how it is in real life too. But most people who go through a divorce learn (sometimes to their surprise) that they can make it through this difficult situation successfully. Giving it time, letting others support you along the way, and keeping an eye on the good things in your life can make all the difference.
Reviewed by: Michelle New, PhD
Date reviewed: August 2007
